Sunday, August 22, 2010

Beauty in a Bottle

So Skittles, my friend in Vermont, had a situation with facial bleach that left her skin just a tinsy bit sensitive and over-reactive to the sun, reacting with hyper pigmentation. Because of this, she avoided the sun like the plague. However, being up in New England and experiencing so much WHITE due to the snowy winter months, she started to feel that pale was not her color of choice and decided to research her options. By late spring, she had a pretty good handle on the ins and outs of "self tanners" and decided upon a specific brand. Not rolling in dough, she wanted to be prudent in her purchase and make the very most of the money spent on this "beauty in a bottle" choice she made.

Bringing her prize home, setting it a shelf in plain sight, she was really getting excited at the promised "golden bronze" she would become. (I should explain here that my good friend Skittles, is not one to move hastily. She is the type of person, content on making the plan and thinking about the outcome but not so anxious to execute said plan.) Anticipation was building and her healthily tanned vision of herself became almost too much to bear until one night, when her dear hubby was working late, she decided it was time. Oh no, not the time to fully commit to the creamy lotion completely covering her body...just the time to do a spot check and see if there was an allergic reaction. No big deal, right?

With kids upstairs asleep, music rocking her house, and White Russian in hand, she carefully read the label and opened the bottle. Taking just a whiff, it smelled nice, like oranges and honeysuckle. Phone rings. She set her prize down and goes to answer to find that hubby is going to be just a tad later than he first thought but please stay up for him. Of course, she will stay up for her fella and off to the kitchen she went making another stronger White Russian since the first one tasted so good and went down so smoothly. (It is here that I should mention Skittles is not much of a drinker.)

Off goes the radio and on goes UMFC (Underwear Models Fight Club) with all of these male underwear models fighting other underwear models over whose britches are the best. Enjoying the show, my dear friend finished the second drink of as easily as the first. Funny how a little adult beverage can boost one's "confidence". Skittles went over to the lotion and started to apply a little bit here and then a little bit there....Oh what the hell! She sat down and rubbed it all over both of her legs, her arms up to her neck and finally her face. Excited to see the results she ran upstairs to check herself out. Maybe it was the lighting but she didn't see any healthy glow. All that money and NOTHING? Harumph!

Back downstairs making a record third WR, she considered the product and how she had applied it. Perhaps she needed to start with her face then neck and arms and finish at her legs..maybe that was what would make the difference. Between sips of her cocktail, she started to apply the lotion in the reverse order of how she had done it before until at last she was satisfied that she had covered all the same areas even better, more thoroughly than the first time. She got caught up in one of those late night infomercials and sat mesmerized until she heard the car door outside alerting her to dearest hubby's return. After an appropriate amount of smooching her sweetheart and concocting a beverage for him, she resumed her position on the couch to see how the paid television promotion turned out. Would all of the food that was placed in the "Super-Duper Baker, Griller, Steamer, Rotisserie Combo" really be cooked in 15 seconds and be able to feed 8 people? How could she walk away from this? She had to know and finally the high-speed host and highly medicated side kick were happy to announce to the viewing audience (as well as the people who were paid to be in the studio and look ridiculously thrilled) the results: Yes, this "Super-Duper Baker, Griller, Steamer, Rotisserie Combo" could really make a full 3 course meal for 8 in 15 seconds! Phew, the suspense had been killing her.

Now that sweet hubby of hers had finished a snack and noticed.... the open bottle of beauty on the kitchen table. As he walked over to his dear one and handed it to her, Skittles realized that she was going to reapply and had gotten side tracked. Or had she already reapplied and just forgotten to put the lid on. Oh well, no matter, she just started reapplying from legs up. Which of course, dear man that he is, hubby saw as an erotic and yet subtle invitation to go "upstairs". And so they did.

At about 9 am the next morning I received a telephone call from Skittles. Seems that there were a couple of life lessons she wanted to share with me. The first being she is not a drinker....what was she thinking having more than one beverage? It is now my job as Skittles friend to remind her that being bored is not the same as being..thirsty. The second tidbit of knowledge she wanted to share was that when self tanning lotion is applied, it goes on with no color at all, making it very important to apply carefully so as not to leave stripes. Just saying... Thirdly, she wanted to let me know that yes, it is important to dress for the self tanning occasion. And then lastly, and most importantly, when applying this type of lotion, remember to wash hands after application so as not to have stained hands.

The visual she gave me was priceless and thankfully for her, she had no pressing plans for the following week. Although Skittles had done her homework and bought an excellent product, she had NOT washed her hands and so they were a dark bronze-y color. Oh don't worry, no one would even notice her hands as they would be much to busy looking at the rest of her. Note: It is not a good idea to wear short sleeves, a watch, long shorts and crew socks when applying this type of product, especially if your goal was to look like you achieved this healthy glow naturally. I suppose because of her relaxed attitude and overzealous application the lines between pale and bronze were indeed well defined.

Like I said, it's a good thing she didn't have plans.

1 comment:

  1. Skittles needs adult supervision before she trys something like this again. How long until it all wore off?